I am New, and Scared and stuck and above all cross

Hello Millie,

Well I am glad that things appear to be changing in your household. I must say that although you have a cat, I in turn have a dog. He senses automatically when things are not right and that makes me more responsive in terms of being thoughtful and lowering my attitude! All our pets are sensitive to us, however like you I treat them as a family member.

I am changing more now in the sense that I look back on a period where I was sent on a journey that I could not control but now returning to more normality.

The incident that caused my problem is scheduled to be addressed in court in a matter of weeks. In a sense I am glad that I may not be asked to be witness in court (as the defendent admitted to many incidents that day) though I have told my police liason officer that in a sense I feel that I will not be able to have my day in court to demonstrate the actions of the defendent damaging the innocent individuals (as like myself) and sadly the victims in this case.

Someone on this site said something that awoken me, and simply said I should appreciate that I am alive! Those words are so true, because no matter what we experience in life-hurt, pain, anger and neglect - we still have a life to lead.

Your Tim will hopefully one day realise how you stayed at his side whilst he has treated you so bad. Then he will appreciate you so much more.

In spite of the above I still have my problems in the sense of phobias but I am teaching myself to deal with them.

With regards to drinking a bit more, I too find it helps but somedays I will not touch a drop, other days shamefully I will injure myself falling over! (I have come to realise this and put a complete STOP to over drinking!) so in a matter of weeks I should be able to move forward and I am not sure yet what I will do but I feel that when the court case is over I want to put the murder victim to rest from my mind. I think the planting of a tree or white doves-strange I just aint sure what to do just yet. I do feel however I need to do something because the killer had his chance with me first but I was lucky enough to have got away!

Peter

Peter, I am so pleased you are moving forward. Evidently the next few weeks are going to be the pits. But what a life affirming thing in a way, You have been Given another crack at life. I am trying to take that attitude with the PTSD situation, I'm trying to say daily to myself that if this mess hadn't all come to a head and Tim had never had this breakdown, then we would never have had the chance to get as close as we do sometime seem to be comming. On the other hand yesterday was a particularly bad day when I would have just as soon applied a chunk of two by four to the back of his head, with the Why is it all the basket-weavers get the break time, mentality. However, today's another day and I've got up trying to be nicer! Sainthood will never await me, but I'm going to be nice today - promise.
It is embarrassing when you have a drink too much and make a pillock of yourself isn't it? I am just allowing myself the ability to behave a little on the silly side for the next while or so, I don't react quickly to anything. Takes me a long time to get cross, or unhappy, and I have been cross and unhappy for a number of years now. I think therefore that it's going to take me a long time to get back to a feeling of happiness and will therefore need and alcoholic crutch for a while I think...however, I do know that I am driving it, and not the other way round. Sometimes we just have to cut ourselves some slack I think. I have to go as I'm going to church! Not something I normally do actually, but it's my son's school that want us all to go together as a community, and I don't think that's such a bad thing. A hotline to anything that makes anything any better would be greatfully received from time to time!
All very warmest regards
Millie

Millie,

What you have described your husband going through is EXACTLY what my own step-father is going through at the moment! The snide remarks, the aggressive behaviour, paranoia etc

I can empathise completely with your current plight as i'm in your situation at the moment in having to live with it, as well as help and support my mother who is having to bear the brunt of his behavioural change.

I hope for the sake of your own sanity and peace of mind you can find a solution to the problems you're having to face.

Nathan

Nathan,

I was sorry to read that you mother may be experiencing the same, shall we say 'difficulties' as I am, with your stepfather. I was new here and very cross and scared, however, now I'd describe it as being a more dismal version of resigned. The best thing for us as a familiy now is that it is out in the open. That of course is only between me, my husband and our eight year old son. But now at least when Tim goes off on a climb the wall episode, we recognise it and he gets dispatched to listen to his anti stress tape. Also, I had allowed the snidey remarks and constant unfavourable comparisons to get to me and run my self worth into the floor. Well guess what, no bloody more. I may be a bit long in the tooth to be exactly yummy mummie material, but I'm a lively right on woman, with valuable views and opinions a wealth of experience and I'm not going to be consigned to the scrapheap of life just because my husband has been kicked mentally in the testicles. I love him, mostly, and may, in time, be able to consign all the events of the last few years to the mists of time, but just at the moment it's all too fresh and raw. I'm now not really sure if I trust him, and he has and is acknowledging his problems, but we seem to be stuck in a situation where we have moved a certain way forward, but now have got stuck. He's going away on Wednesday and won't come back till after Christmas, and I am actually pleased. When he goes, my tension level drops like a stone. These last few years have all been about 'him', he has suffered, so we've all suffered, but he's been the star at every turn. When he had the temper tantrums and threw the toys out the pram, he got star billing, with the real miseries and the far too public forrays into the world of grubby porn, star turn again, and then following the real drama period and subsequent counselling - yes, he cornered the market in suffering once again. If I sound unpleasant and non caring I'm not. I understand the troubles that have caused this - for the last thirty years he has been trying to prove a point to some unknown God who gives approval for 'Maccho' acts and has therefore done the workwise equivalent of standing in the middle of a four lane highway dodging the traffic. He's been like a Weeble. He's got knocked down and staggered up, and carried on standing there proving he's untouchable, and now he's finally gone down and is so terribly surprised at the seriousness of his injuries. Problem is, my thinking self want's to cuddle away all the hurts, and mother away all the fears, but the reality is that I can't and the man I have loved all these years has effectively gone. Now, he runs, everytime we have a problem in the house, with school, etc, I have to cope all on my own - it's sad and I'm lonely. We seem unfortunately to have reached a plateau, and we have to move forward. Thing is, it's like rolling a stone uphill all the way, and he used to be there rolling it with me. However, whatever happens my kid and I will be alright, and happy. Sometimes I think when these problems strike how easy it would be to just let it get you down, but I can't because that wouldn't be doing any of us any good. If things are to get better, it won't improve if just to add to our problems I'm in a slough of despond too! I've signed up for and OU course starting in the New Year, and I can't emphasis Nathan how very important it is that you mother looks after her own needs. Too often people living with someone 'injured' either mentally or physically can just sort of disappear and be the little cloud of misery hovering in the background. I'm not sure if my marriage can be saved at present. I'm not even really sure that I want it to be, it might not be the best for me and kidlet. However, I'm damned sure that whatever happens in the future has got to be a bloody sight better than what came before. I let myself down, by letting someone who'd had the mental living shit kicked out of them turn round and do it to me. I should have shouted Stop. I did but probably a few years too late. Get your mother support Nathan, in any way she can. Without the support of some of the people on this website a few months back, I can't imagine where I would have been. I haven't always been fair, and I'm not always feeling supportive - I'm a middle aged middle class housewife, not a bloody Mother courage after all! - but I can only feel that if all concerned are committed and paddling the canoe in the same direction, progress can be achieved. My own particular canoe has gone a bit adrift at the moment, but I hope it can get back on track. I seem to have run out of platitudes! But not out of very best wishes, and my very warmest hopes that your mother can see a glimmer of hope in the future.
Millie

This is my first post here
I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD after 45 years of suffering in silence
My wife is going through pretty much the same as you have described
I'm so relieved to read that you are working through it
thank you Millie and those who have replied - your courage and kindness is a big help