I am New, and Scared and stuck and above all cross

I am writing as a I don't know what else to do. I feel like a pressure cooker about to blow. My husband Tim, has ptsd, I think has had it for a long time, but things just came to a head a week last Sunday. Normally he works in Africa on a one month on one month off schedule, and I live here, in France, and look after our eight year old son. We have been together for the last 17 years. I love him. But now, I still love him, but hate him, I want to hug him and save him and make it all alright and the next thing I want to beat him and kick him in an effort to stop me hurting. Eighteen months ago he was coming home to us for Christmas when a man pulled a knife on him at Paris airport, took his passport, PC, money etc., and then stabbed him. Thankfully his mobile phone took the major force of the blow, but he was still hurt and incredibly shocked, assailant thought he was dead. We went through it and talked about it incessantly for weeks and then moved on. Then he went back to Africa and the day after he arrived rebels attacked the country and he was stuck in the middle of the Cameroon Chad war/conflagration. He couldn't get out and stayed to help as much as he could but was in an awful situation, nasty things happened. Then just a few months after this he was on an airplane and the engine exploded and they shouldn't have landed safely, but by some miracle they did. Yes this was all terrible. I loved and supported him as much as I could, I tried to talk about it, but he's never been the most talkative of men. Then he just stopped talking. All sorts of silly things happened that I tried to ignore or bury or believe. I found a really horrid porn DVD with explicit pictures on the disk just sitting on top of the freezer, when I asked he said that he had found it in a hotel room (ok, but why on top of my feezer in broad daylight?) then I found packets of condoms, these were aparently bought for a friend/had an amusing drawing on the packet so were brought home to amuse me/couldn't work out how they got in there, no recollection whatsoever. Our sex life by this time was non exist of course, but it's difficult to feel much for your partner when he's given up washing or cleaning his teeth, and when he does touch you grabs hold of you and hurts and says obscenities. This went on for ages, over a year. I was buying books on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, because I thought there was something wrong with me, everytime I tried to talk about it he told me I was going strange in the head. We as a couple don't have any friends, as he has alienated every one of them. Then we went on holiday this year, we went to London to see an old friend of mine who is a super uncle to our son. Tim was offensive, unpleasant and rude and very nearly went into meltdown in a shopping centre, when I suggested a 'wrong' sandwich filling. When we came back on the Saturday I had had enough and was just waiting for him to leave on the Monday. Anyhow, he lost his shaving kit, more drama, and so a search was started and I looked in his open bag and found the most horrid porn I've ever seen, right on the top where our little boy could find it. I have relived that moment so many times, it's burned in my brain. I just went cold. He then had the temerity to tell me that lots of politicians lead double lives and nobody complains. He did realise at this point that it had just all gone too far. He left for work the next day and then broke down at the airport and phoned me saying he was sick and would get help etc.etc. I do love him. I have had a good relationship. I thought we were happy. I knew there was a problem, but he had some very unpleasant colleagues and I blamed their influence, and thank God he has stopped working in Africa and is now European based. However, in a month of being in Europe he seems to have been able to sorce this porn, and yet for the last forever years he couldn't source me a birthday card or present. I am cross, that word just dosn't even cover it. I am numb. I go through periods of thinking it will all be OK he'll come home and we'll sort it out together and we can work it out, and then I just think, what the hell why? I've been lied to and taken for an idiot time and again, it will never change. He has now contacted a counsellor and is trying to get this sorted. Obviously these are not the only manifestations of this problem, he is just about perfect example of ptsd symptoms apparently (money makes him bored - I get to do all the accounts, balance the books etc) the anger outbursts are loud, public, acutely embarrassing and frightening and getting worse and worse, and dreadful for my son to witness. Every month when he comes home I go berserk, the house is a palace, I cook till I'm purple, and then he comes home and it's dreadful, we sort of walk around the house on eggshells waiting for something to set him off, cat vomitting, his shorts pocket getting stuck on the door handle, a stone getting stuck in his sandal, these can set off a train of anger quite unbelieveable in size. Also all the snide remarks, horrid wounding remarks which when I react to he says 'oh, you wern't meant to hear that, you've got ears like a bat'. Problem is I haven't been diagnosed as anything, possibly an uninteresting doormat? My health has suffered, I can't sleep without pills, and my stomach is producing acid industrially and I have ulcers. I drink too much when he comes home too, not when he's away, but when he comes home I get a bottle of wine and just drink three glasses quickly one after the other, to get me through the evening, I don't even like the taste. I just don't know how to continue, I can't just throw away 17 years. We have been happy, we have a son. But what do I do. How do I get this anger out. I have on a number of occasions thought of killing him, just to get all this to stop. I have hit him too, it's awful but if he is in the middle of a complete and utter fit, and kicking cupboards and just destruction bound, if I hit him he will stop. I hate myself, and I hate this situation. I just seem to be in the middle of this black pit and I don't know how to get out. I tried to tell him on the phone how I feel and all he says is 'I just don't know what to say' I want him to tell me that he loves me and that we can work this out. I just want some fairy dust to give me back the man I love. He he has no problem at work, that is his role, he can carry that out fine, it's when he comes home he has the problem. Has anybody else out there ever felt like me? Can this situation improve? I knew we were heading for meltdown, but now it's arrived I can't cope.

Hello Millie,

I am sorry to hear you are having a dreadful time at the moment.

During the last few months I have experienced a horrible situation and it still affects me. Your husband seems to have had an awful time too in relation to the war, stabbing and aircraft engine incident. He is probably on tender hooks like I have been (maybe still am) but sadly that has left you feeling unwanted and unloved and therefore too, experiencing a crappy life at the moment-as we all seem to be at the moment.

I have learnt / witnessed that my PTSD has affected my partners state, but we remain strong and get through the issues.

I am sometimes distant and admit anti-social at times (yet am normally or used to be outgoing! If that makes sense?)

Does he panic when watching aircraft movies?
Does he hate large crowds of people (like those you would expect to find in terminal buildings)?
Does the news (mostly negative news) trigger him?

Try to find out what things trigger him?

Try see if he has any phobias.

Hopefully you will get back to me.



Peter

Thank you so much for replying to my post. When I posted it yesterday I was in a desperate state, wandering around in a dream state, and definitely shouldn't have been driving the car. I don't know about phobias, he's OK in the airports, he spends most days there, but crowds; goodness crowds don't do him any favours - I took him to Lakeside and had to peel him off the ceiling, I shan't be repeating that one! I actually think that it's being at home that is the biggest trigger. When he's at work he has a defined role, he has to do his job exactly as it must be done, there isn't any wiggle room. Before he goes he is impeccably clean and brushes his teeth and looks nice, and has all his stuff organised, and just so, he cleans up his act the day before he leaves. Before, when he came home he used to throw off his stuff and relax and wear jeans with holes in and old tee shirts and dive under a car/bike/mower engine for the fun of it, but he was clean, and happy, and laid back, and my husband whom I have loved with every breath. Now he finds something from the rag bag, puts it on and won't take it off and washes under duress, once a week if we get lucky, and halitosis rules big time. Everything he used to enjoy doing, he now dosn't do, or does it obsesively. The garage used to have bits and bobs of engines he was restoring but now it's crammed to the gills with bits of dead scooter, van, etc. none of them destined to work again. I'm not some uptight middle aged housewife even though reading this I must sound like it. I'm just desperately trying to hold on to the veneer of 'normal' family life for our little boy. Since this all blew up ten days ago, we have at least been talking about it. We have both been finding out more information from various websites and send each other links. I think Tim feels better because now he's reading them and saying 'my God, that's just what I do, that's me to a T' and yes, he does seem to have a fairly textbook list of symptoms. He is still awaiting an appointment with the counsellor, he's dubious about trying anything on line, as he doesn't type fast, and he says he's scared of trying the phone because he'll clam up. I think all of these dreadful events that have recently happened have pushed him to the edge, but I do think he had stress problems before, he's spent the last thirty years in one war zone or another, indeed we met in one. I only came to France and 'settled down' when our little boy was born, nomadic existence in Africa not being the best choice for a child. Certainly for the first time in over a year I feel that our lines of communication are opening. At least on the phone, he's great with me on the phone; on the phone I love him to bits, it's when he gets in front of me the poor sod clams up and clamps his jaw shut, he'll even watch football rather than talk to me - and I assure you he doesn't know one end of a football from the other! Maybe I should just buy a big telephone extension and keep him in a separate room? Or get a big paper bag to put on my head so he doesn't have to see me! I don't think it's me personally, I've looked in the mirror, and everything has been moving south, but that's true for all of us isn't it? Do I need a facelift to save my marriage? (before anyone replies, that was a joke!)
Peter thank you so much for your response. Somehow when you know that there's another person out there who understands, it somehow dillutes the angst. Tim will read this, I told him I had posted this yesterday, it's important, because I don't want to represent him in any way that he isn't in agreement with; I've had enough of deception, Secret Squirrel should have been shot!
Onwards and upwards, and with many thanks for your kind response
Millie

Hello Millie,

I think it is great that he recognises himself and all that he does. It is to me a good sign. You see several weeks ago I thought I was going mad-when in fact I always considered myself very sane and normal in the past.

Now whilst he recognises himself, you yourself have to learn about you!

You see, to me and me being honest, you come accross as insecure (which admittedly is understandable) when you have a partner who suddenly gets this dreadful PTSD. I myself recognised how I changed and developed mood swings and hurt feelings and neglect of family and friends but more importantly my own partner!

I have learnt from this site (a lady called Julie-the shining star)that we think we step forward getting overthings, but then suddenly find ourselves taking a few steps back!

I love flying, but the prospect of an engine failure would scare the hell out of me. To witness a war, well I am fortunate I haven't, as Christ I wouldn't know what to feel. To be mugged physically (I was that close very recently!) well I have been lucky not to have been-but your husband has!

17 years is a long time, and from my own 13 year relationship I have had my own ups and downs in life. I am sure you will be fine-the two of you- but first you each have to share with each other your demons!

Because of this site and speaking to a lovely lady(the shining star) I twigged my anxiety/panick attacks and their links and by just talking how I felt made me better.

Your husband if who like me will one day wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. I hope he does it sooner than later.

Peter

Thank you for your reply Peter. I wouldn't say I am so much insecure as pretty non-existent. It wears you down over a time, unfortunately, I do realise that one of the many and distressing symptoms of ptsd is a desire to wound your nearest and dearest, but I regret that prior to realising that we actually had a problem, I just thought it was me, and that I was the deluded pathetic creature that he told me I was.
I have to say, reading through the various threads on this site, it has struck me as how supportive all of the posts and responses are. I have today sent away for a couple of I think, decent, books from Amazon on ptsd. Unfortunately we are still awaiting a response from the counsellor. I am so glad you found the support you needed and that things are getting more positive for you. I can understand Julie - the shining star's comments, as I feel we may have to get to worse places before we get better. It may be like Pandora's box once we get the rudy lid off can we cope with what we find - only one way to find out I suppose!
Hopefully
Millie

I wrote a huge reply and hit the wrong button by mistake and lost it all. I'll try and re-write. This is my first go at a reply. Please understand I write with respect to you. It comes from a good place.

All of the events that happened to your husband were hugely traumatic and just one of those events would effect most people afterwards. Sometimes the event can happen so fast that there isn't time to consider it in the moment. Sometimes a trigger can happen later, even years later and this will bring it all back as if it had just happened.

The severity of his porn could be linked to the severity of his feelings. To meet like with like or to supercede horrible feelings with overpowering images. Almost like self-medicating to block out his own thoughts. Sorry if this offends but I'm trying to give another perspective that I don't say is the right one - just different. The quick fix of a quick orgasm that porn can provide has a short lived feel good factor (endorphins). The more it's watched, the more de-sensitised a person can become to both the images and the feeling. Difficulties in being able to relax is like having an elastic band inside that is being wound up until too tight (being highly-strung).

Shopping mall crowds have so many unexpected situations. Unidentified or sudden sounds (crisp bag popping, man shouting to his friend, car horn in the car park). This feels like there is a lack of control over what's happening because many things are setting me off. Survival instincts might tell him to be aware of where the next mugger is, don't let it happen again etc. It's sensory-overload because crowds of people aren't predictable/controllable. The elastic band gets tighter until a reaction/explosion over a sandwich filling. The choice of things to explode about isn't what has set me off. It's just a moment to stop and yell "ENOUGH!". Men often react in an agro way rather than a gentle way (crying etc), especially in public. It's a 'go-to' (safe/protective) emotion to make everyone back off. I used to even laugh in therapy when a nerve was touched and I'd think "who's that laughing?". It was surreal. I wouldn't even realise that I was laughing. I was using all my energy trying not to cry. I love to cry though - very cleansing when it can happen.

Feeling wound up/tense and especially adrenalin releases (remembering the past or predicting/fortune telling for the future) is draining. Predicting/worrying about the future can be comparable to a boxer thinking about a fight in 6 months. The adrenalin release is slow - drip-drip effect. Constantly but slowly being tired out with anxiety. Feel tired most of the time. No energy to do stuff at home. This is a viscious circle as a lack of hobbies makes your world a smaller place which can also give the illusion that it is safer. A smaller world can make one feel that you're not the man you were. This can lead to disappointment in ones self and depression. Loss of control over life as fear is doing the decision making. So you snap at people in your smaller world. Over anything. The frustration takes over. This can have an effect on loved one's self esteem.

I found it helpful to monitor how tense or wound up I'm becoming. Give it a number on a scale from 1-10. He could say it to himself or to you or just think it. Then have an exit. Not just a door out of a situation but a joke, a hug, anything to lower the tension. I used to deal in extremes. I wanted the 10 (most tense) to be back down to 1. I had to learn that somewhere in the middle was more realistic.

The football watching is a good way to zone out. Especially if he isn't into it in the first place. Mind-numbing for good reason after maybe spending the day at work like a duck on the pond - trying to look calm but under the surface going a million miles an hour. So tiring having lots of thoughts zooming around. Thoughts can simply be an image or a word. Lots of activity in the brain that we're not immediately aware of. Exhausting.

Anyway I've rambled here and hope maybe just one thing could be helpful from it. Best to you.

You summed it up pretty well I think. I am going to get my husband reading your reply and he might even respond himself. He has been looking at this website, and it has made him feel much better. On the horrible experiences subject, yes, he was stabbed, went through a war and then had a plane explode... but guess what? He is currently sitting in Athens watching the forest fires from his window! I really feel this bloody man has a death wish or some kind of Jonah effect on every country he visits. Even between the two of us it's getting to be a joke now. Funny thing is I don't mind the porn, when the wind is in the right direction I like sex and I'm not at all prudish even though I think I sound like it. What I mainly objected to was the 'hidden' nature of it, it's all this sub-life going on that isn't shared with me. Also, I think you have the dichotomy of 'understanding, empathising and loving the man' because I know he has and is suffering big time, whilst at the same time wanting to turn round and beat the swine to death for the hurt that I am feeling. Also, the more 'understanding' I am, in a way the madder it makes me. He is hopefully coming home in two weeks time. We are not going to 'start again' we've had more 'new starts' than the bloody Labour Party! We have to re-fashion a relationship, with different parameters. We have to go forward, as not doing so isn't an option. You really put your point well. Thank you so much. I know you can't generalise, but if I were to, I do think that men have been discouraged from showing their feelings, and women are somewhat better at being able to vocalise and discuss their concernswith each other. Also Tim is, as we say in France, a certain age (i.e. he won't see 55 again) and men of that age were really rather bullied into being 'blokes'. I understand about the laughter. He can laugh off all these dreadful things, it's the only way he copes, but of course he isn't really coping. The bringing this matter into the open has been a massive help, we are talking about it, and it's not the invisible elephant in the room that it was. I'm also determined not to live on eggshells like we were. There is a way forward and however difficult I think we can find it, I just hope he feels the same way. I know what you mean about the bloody keyboard, the other day I expessed myself succinctly to a 't' every bit of my feelings were on that screen, and then one finger tap later and the lot disappeared, many expletive deletives followed!

Millie

Hi Millie. Hope you and your husband are ok. I understand about what you said about sex. I know of men that hide their porn. One friend who is married has a panel in his wardrobe for it. Yet his wife is ok with porn. I don't really know what this means psychologically.

I have driven many people, family included, around the bend and back a million times with my problems. People get so frustrated with me. I get so frustrated too. Some 'mental injuries' are life-long problems. It changes life forever.

I understand about the hurt you're feeling. I have seen that in people around me from time to time. It's hard work and people can feel like they've become 'carers' unexpectedly.

I like the idea that you can re-fashion your relationship. That sounds very creative and open-minded.

I'm tired and my writing is crap so I will stop for now. Best to you.

the_illusionist, every time you write a reply your utter 'niceness' shines through. We have to re-fashion a relationship, I can't chuck away the last 17 years, then we all end up losing. Tim is unhappy, feeling wretched, and when I don't feel like hitting him over the head with something blunt, I want to wrap him in cotton wool so that all the hurt will go away. I'm trying my best to be pragmatic. The genie has leapt out of the box, and if I could jam the bugger back in again I would, but that won't work now. At least we seem to be able to discuss thing now, that however, is because he's away and he's always great on the telephone. It's in the flesh he gets all antsy, won't look me in the eye, and wriggles around when I talk to him. I did wonder whether a big walkie talkie set might help (yes, before any eyebrows go up, I'm joking).
Millie

Thanks Millie. I totally get where you're coming from. I was trying to say that I appreciate your creativity in dealing with this problem. It might be a long haul but good on you for trying.

I know what you mean about talking in person. Group therapy was hard for me when discussing these matters. Some of it hit too many nerves and was like having teeth pulled. All but one of the attendees were women in my therapy group. This made me wonder what the hell is going on in this country? Are women getting treated so badly that they are being sent into therapy by the dozen. Or are men just so terrible at speaking that they're suffering in silence? I think perhaps a bit of both.

My dad is a bit older than your husband and he finds it hard to speak. He will keep his back turned during chats, speak in short sentences or prefer to be silent. After a long delay, I'll query "did you hear me?" and he'll reply "I'M LISTENING!". When really he should be replying to my point. Yelling "I'M LISTENING!" isn't a conversation.

I was raised mostly by my mum. I like a chat and find it easy to express my emotions. That's not always a good thing though so I've learnt! Now in my mid-30s, I'm finding balance to what I say in conversation. A bit of the masculine and a bit of the feminine influence works a treat. I'm still a head case though.

the_illusive
You don't sound like a head case whatsoever, but who the hell am I to know, I'm probably more odd than most! Aren't most people screwed up to a lesser or greater degree? If people aren't I think theyr'e probably just not looking clearly at their situation, I do regret that I firmly believe that ignorance is bliss and that most of the blissful just choose not to see the mess that they're in. I have known that my marriage has been going to hell in a handcart for the last eighteen months to two years, I have been buying books on Cognitive Behavior Therapy, in order to change my way of thinking, whilst all the while shoving my odd thought's such as 'why doesn't he ever look at me any more when he speaks, why isn't he washing anymore, or going into absolute nuclear meltdown because the cat has just thrown up, why when or rarely if we have sex, it is just that and dosn't involve love and it somewhat rough and horrid, which it never was before. But I didn't want to see a problem, therefore one didn't exist. I feel so much relieved now. We have a whopping great mountain of a problem, but we can scale a bit of it day by day. I don't mean to sound like Mary Poppins, it's just that I can't cope unless I try to put a positive spin on it, mostly it's a way of convincing myself. Men of your dad's age and Tims' wern't meant to get in touch with their feelings, it had to be lantern jawed silence. I wonder if my dad even thought about love or his feelings. Unfortunately I fear he might have realised exactly how screwed up the world was as both he and my mother were alcoholics, and the total reason I'm not going to let this relationship go down the pan is because I'm not going to reapeat their mistakes. What were the women in your groups like? Had they gone there because they had been refferred only, or do you think that they realised they needed someone to talk to in confidence, and perhaps men, of a certain age especially, just think it's more 'manly' to pressure cook their emotions? Tim's daughter's boyfriend (Tim was married before me) is in his early 30's and he can chat to me just like a 'real' person, you wouldn't know he was a man at all! I adore him, we can talk about feelings and caring and hoping, you can also tell that he 'likes' women, I don't mean he does or doesn't fancy them or anything on a sexual level, but that he does 'like' us as a group and even thinks we might have valid points to make! The joke that I have always had with Tim (well for years it's been a joke, but maybe it's not so funny anymore) is that he is always as excited by an idea as the last person with a prick that he's just spoken to! and yes it's damned well infuriating. But now that all of these problems have surfaced, we are going to discuss them all, he is going to have a complete change mentally and we will go on into the future like a perfect Stepford couple, aren't we? Ooops, I just looked up and a porcine troops of the Red Arrows is steaming past my window! (I'm quite impressed with myself as I used one of these emoticons yesterday! I've never used one before, sad eh?)
Millie

The women in my therapy group were a real mix. There seemed to be everyone from the prim and proper church types to older housewives in their late 50s to very butch women with lots of tattoos, everything in between. Their reasons for being there were just as varied. Some had been in therapy 20 years and were referred there from their therapist. Some were in abusive relationships getting hit from pillar to post every night. Some referred from their GP because they felt anxious socially sometimes. It was a scary experience at first and it had its moments throughout. I did get a lot from it but many people said they didn't. I started out very quiet in the group with some very opinionated alpha females! and I ended up becoming more vocal as it went on. Lots of the loud people at the start were silent by the half way mark. I found the people-watching aspect very interesting. Some of it was hell having to face issues even on a general basis. There were also some unexpected moments of humour where everyone laughed hard.

One of the toughest things for me was listening to people talk about their problems. For example, a woman talking for ages about her abusive husband who beat her. She'd turn up with bruises on her face and would say "I'm learning to be appreciative of my husband" and I'd want to throw up or yell "GET OUT OF THERE!". I know it's not that simple but I wanted to get her to safety. I have a 'protector' personality and in a group, I had to just sit and listen because she has to make decisions personally. It's so hard not to be directly involved and painful to listen to what sounded like painful, abusive denial to me for hours on end. The first month was definitely the hardest and after that I found a bit more strength to deal with the more difficult weeks. Overall it was well worth doing.

Did you really mean the Red Arrows were flying by? The Red Arrows were just near me on the south coast doing the air show. I've been anxious as hell with all the planes and helicopters going over. Reminds me of war and war reminds me of my childhood. I've laughed about my tension (the occasional "for ****s sake" + laugh as a Lancaster bomber vibrates the house to smithereens) but mostly I've been seriously wound up with it all. The noises are too war-like.

Tangent but I wanted to mention France to you as it was on my mind. I was watching 'La Piscine' (1969) last night and thought how funny it was that I was speaking to someone in France beforehand.

It's 3.30am and I woke from a nightmare so I'm off to try and sleep once more. Cheers!

Wow, most men would bolt and run at a group of varied women (a number of men, my husband included, believe we come in the one short circuited brain variety). I'd find it difficult to hear their problems calmly too. I've had a number of, not friends, but maybe collegues or passing ships, in the past who have moaned about being hit etc., and I've always wanted to scream at them for heavens sake, get the hell out. I've always known exactly what to do for other people's problems, their simple, very easy to cure? Aren't they? No, I'm not really that facile, more embarrassed at my own stupidity. I have always been a broad minded independent woman, got through a grotty childhood, middle class alcoholism comes with so many lies and deceptions, tried suicide when I was 15 and was hospitalised, came out determined to damn well take on the world and win. I did too. Slept with the entire population of central London, or so it seemed, in the misguided belief that sex equals love, and came out the other end by working my socks off. Worked my way around the world, never stopped to give time to emotions. I thought I had it all sorted till I met my husband when I was 35. I actually liked him. He seemed a thoroughly nice human being, flawed, but then who am I to point fingers. Didn't love him, but liked him well enough. Then when I was 42 I became pregnant - complete accident, and had my son, and then we got married (you have to in France, as otherwise you are officially known as a 'concubine' it hasn't got a negative tone in French, but bothers the hell out of me to be designated one). Then I did fall in love with my husband. We were a perfect family unit, we were happy together without our son, but he made our life perfect. Perfect smugness followed and I really did believe that maybe, just maybe it was my right to have because nobody had ever loved me except my dog, so maybe it was my turn. But it's not it's all turned bad. He hasn''t beaten me, but over the last two years he's worn me down, bit by bit chipped away at the foundations of me, the essence of me has disappeared and left an empty husk. I wish he'd have taken a hammer to me, at least I could have fought back, I might not have won, but I'd be a bloody close second. This way my ratings in the league of self respect and self sufficiency had just plodded down and down, if this is the emotional Grand National I'm the poor bitch who's just going to be put out of her misery at the back of Blechers Brook. Sheer force of will and determination I feel, on good days, can change this situation. However, the reality I fear is that I don't know if help can be found. I'm waiting for a couple of books from Amazon, we can't seem to get a counsellor, but it only seems to be me who's trying, I'm going to look on this site at the self-help. I'm not sure that we'll find much though. I think we should be able to help ourselves, we, in principle understand us, but evidently my husband wants a fairy with a magic want, or possibly someone else to blame when it fails? I want to scream and jump up and down like a big kid and shout that 'it's not fair' it isn't but. I can't change this bloody situation all on my own. I feel like I'm driving a chariot and some bugger has shot the horses. If I were in your counselling group the_illusionist you would be shouting at me, and you would have every bloody right. I need a mental and physical kick up the bottom. I need to find the old me that hides underneath this pathetic self pitying runt of the person I've become. I will sort this matter out. My husband will get treatment, he's already trying to talk himself into finding good reasons not to. I will not give in to this. It's not a question of shape up or ship out, we can sort this out. Only problem is that I get a nasty feeling I'm trying to convince myself.
France is easy, I've been here years, and lots of other countries before that - my Arabic was fairly good, written and spoken and I lived in North Africa for years. I haven't lived in the UK since I was 21. I never fitted in there, and now I sort of fit in, by never fitting in. I'm always, and always will be, perceived as 'a foreigner' normally they refer to me as 'the English woman'. My language is good. I've had a child here, I do all sorts of civic things - take kids to the swimming pool, run a handicrafts class etc., but I'm never going to fit in, and maybe that's the secret, because for the first time I have 'fitted in', by never fitting in - I've found my niche. Just at the time when the rest of my world is falling apart.
as ever, Millie

Hello Millie,

How are things at home? More importantly how are you?

Peter

Peter, thank you so much for your kind enquiry. I didn't reply, because I didn't know how I felt and I didn't have a reply to give. The utter joy of this site is that I can be myself without all the hurdles that we put in our way, and all the veneers of 'normality'. So I thought I'd better give you a 'truthfull' answer.... I think? I am good, and not feeling too bad. Last week I was fed up, and nothing seemed to be happening quickly, or at all. But I think the log jam of emotions is finally shifting. Tim is now getting on great guns with his counsellor, and reading books - Overcoming with Traumatic Stress by Claudia Herbert and Ann Wetmore, has really helped him. When he started with the counsellor, he just sort of gave up, and it was all sort of 'well I'm seeing a counsellor, and now I have nothing more to worry about' and he rested on his laurels and was going back to being nasty and balshie and I was wondering if it was time to put cyanide in the soup again. However, good family row later and discussing how this isn't going to be 'solved' by an outside counsellor, but 'helped' and that the responsibility is 'ours' to improve our situation and we seem to be back on track. Also, never having had conselling before, he didn't like some of the things she was doing, and now he's got the courage to tell her so. She wanted him to do deep relaxation with a 'Hung' bell, and he tried it but didn't want to relax in her office, he didn't feel safe, whereas he does feel safe enough to deeply relax at home. The other night I gave him a 'facial' - face pack, deep cleansing, deep moisture - the lot! and he said he slept better than he has in years! We both have our bad days, and I can see that sometimes he just feels bleak and has no joy in his life. This hurts so much, because in so many ways our lives are blessed - we seem to be lucky health wise, we have the most beautiful son on the face of the earth and whilst we don't have a huge income, we don't have huge outgoings either, and are therefore a lot luckier and many. But even when this is the case, I can see he is getting better, and that this lack of enthusiasm isn't necessarily a criticism of me, so I have changed my way of thinking too. We have, and are, both trying I think to shift our mindset on the way we have previously done things, and are trying our very best to move forward. Today... I think it's working. Silly things really, but like on Sunday afternoon I used to always do a roast and we had it at a certain time, and he was always in a really bad mood. So now I don't do a roast and we have been going out on a family bike ride and eating something simple and the mood has improved. I have no idea why this has changed things, but it has. For the first time in, certainly three years, I feel we are paddling the same canoe. We might be getting out of time, but at least we appear to be going in the same direction. Also, this time, Tim has been home for four weeks, he's due to leave for a month again next week. But during the time he has been home, he hasn't 'exploded' once! Normally every day we had a neuclear job with angst and nashing of teeth and swearing and shouting, which left him feeling horrid, me treading on eggshells permanently and our kid in a state of stress. This time it hasn't happened. When he feels himself getting on the boil, he's been going and listening to the Paul Mackenna Stress DVD and it calms him down. Strange to relate but our cat vomitting always made him really mad, and could get him foaming at the mouth. However, whenever he was gone for four weeks to work, the cat never vomitted, only when he came home did the cat upchuck! But this time in the weeks he's been here, not once has the cat upchucked! Obviously the whole family was aware of the stress levels in our household.

For the weeks he has been home, I have been drinking more, and I'm not happy about it, and as soon as he goes next week, I shall sign the pledge till his return. However, I think we are both using a drink as a crutch, and a tool, but it isn't out of hand and nobody has lost their temper, I think it has perhaps enabled us to lower our defenses and allow us to talk more frankly than we could without a drink. I am sure many wouldn't agree with me, nor do I think this is advisable, but just for the present it seems to be helping. Ultimately, I think we can , and will go forward. I'm actually looking forward to him leaving for a bit. These last few weeks have been so intense and full on, I need a breath of air. I realise he will never be the same as he was. The other day we had a big water leak and the hole in the garden where the water is connected was full of water. The old Tim would have taken charge and sorted it all out. Now it was me in the hole on my own for quite a long time and I realised I'd have to take charge, which I did and emptied the hole and discovered the problem in the pipe. Then he came back later and sorted it, but I realised around that time, that whilst he's never given me any emotional support, because it's always been beyond him, he was always good in a crisis but he evidently isn't going to be on the frontline of sorting things out anymore. Also, when people call at the door, he disappears with a speed that would defy most magicians, so social life it obviously going to have to change too. However, these are changes, and they aren't insurmountable. It's quite funny, we laugh about it in the family. The other day Tim was starting to get a bit excited and our little boy just said 'Daddy you need to do your cooling down tape', and when he goes to see the counsellor our little boy says he's going to see 'the cooling down doctor'. The big pink elephant is still in the room, but we are talking about it, feeding it buns and teaching it tricks, which has to be an improvement. At the moment I do feel that this has stuck me in a bigger position of responsibility than I would like, I have to sort of preview things and wonder if he can cope with them - is the supermarket too busy, should I go shopping on my own, he wants to visit a car boot sale, but will the crowds get him too worked up?

I must go, as I have a mountain of ironing - god if only that were a figment of my imagination! I hope all on here are doing well, and getting better. I hope I may be able to help, enthuse, listen or comfort any, in even half the way that all here have supported me. You have all made a hell of a lot of a difference to me, and I really can't thank you enough. Next week when I am on my own I shall apply myself to trying.
With all my very very best thoughts and best wishes

Millie