It's Not All Military You Know

Helleo all,

Am really chuffed I found this site, it's in it's infancy but, hey a great start.

It isn't really about just the military, the help is based on it, but let's face it, they have lots of money to research etc, hence all the infor seems biased towards them.

I am very disabled both physical and mental, and suffer from spelling, vision and such like, so bear with me.

I have dissociative PTSD under the complex heading, or the other fandangle one, something about being not otherwise in a box!! we can trteat easily!!!!!. My main gripe is twofold, firstly there is little understanding in the NHS and seconbdly, the care approach is appaling.

I was held captive for a long time, I can't discuss here but you can only imagine. I have dealt with over 25years of horific international scenes you have probably read in the press (if your old enough). I feel bad, so bad and can't sleep.

I hold the MBE and Gallantry Medal, I say, take them back and remove the memoties, it simply won't happen.

I find that, those who recognise symptoms and offer an ear help best, PTSDnever goes, we simply learn to live with it! or around it, more so.

I am at my wits end, can't take any more, but I wish you all the best and hope we can have a beer in heaven. Keep posting and help the newbies, yuk internet speak.

It is realy a bonust that the military keeps spending, your all as important as the frrontline soldier, remember that, the london bombings, 9/11 etc all equally important.

Soldiers do as soldiers do, we fight to preserve democracy, help and heal the worlds shitty problems. I could have witnessed a fall on a bannana skin, no different, traumatic event.....just a thought.

Good luck,

Carl

Carl, was hoping you wouldn't dissapear and maybe you will read this, I hope? I was also held captive and tortured so the psychiatrist says. My life reminds me of a bad dream that I look back on as if it was not real, yet it was and it's really messed me up big time. I've probably not been through anything near as bad as you, but I was starved and left out in the cold and locked up and hurt in various ways.

I never spoke to another person who was held captive and when I try to talk to people they really have no clue where I'm coming from. I took a friend along with me to speak to a therapist once and she burst into tears. I just want to try to learn how to cope/live on a daily basis with this and yet I'm finding it very hard as nobody understands.

I hope you will stay around as I also only found this group recently

Hope this post finds you well.

Captivity, well, who can really describe it in whatever context you found yourself in. Having your freedom removed is bad, havig it combined with threats to your life worse, having restraints upon you worse, russian roulette, well....and violent aggression geared towards you massively bad.

I feel stuill, each kick, punch, pull, tug, violation, i really do.....shrink calls this body memory, it sadkly hurts too, as bad as the days it happened.. I too can't explain it, my body is now a wreck and mind shattered too...at 41. I am jekyll and both hyde, my day depends upon the night before really, I try to control it, not let it control me, but boy is that knackering.

I have a massive urge for revenge, sadly I cannot take it. I dream about the shoe being on the other foot, but, big but, I probably wouldn't of done anything untoward. It's good to dream, raises the blood level and anger, then the meds are taken with copious ammount of vodka, off into another slumber and wake later, feeling like crap. I really didn't achieve much, but it felt good for a while.

I am smothered by a loving wife and super daughter, finaincialy secure, smart car, and have it all......what is all without presence of me. I wonder would it be better back in the guttter! at least life is worth struggling for, you have to eat, shit, piss and breath.

I have inherited many other sypmtoms of going completley mad, I hide them, but they trickle out, often when you least need it. Crying game, well, do I feel like a man when that happens. not. I don't mix, do you? I have no friends, I lost contact a while back and want to be as far away from my ordeals as possible, mlike many who suffer.

I try to draw upon positives, look at things that matter most, wife, kiddie and prospects, then an almighty hammer nails me, it creeps up and fucks me up.

I have found a good shrink and excellent team of caring people they give me much needed hope, in my own words and time...boy what a relief. There are afew who dabble in counselling that can really screw you up, mis diagnose or are blatantly off whith you because they can't put you in a textbook diagnosis. That really hurts they stand out though quickly you realise they pathetic and that's when you have to move on to the next until you find one, one that you can relate too, trust and have time for. I don't do silent pauses, nor staring I tell them, they then trteat me as normal, prompting, evading, prompting it's all a game until you decide to rid yourself of the buden. What a reliefe.

Keep at it each day, a little at a time, you may feel better, maybe worse, but ride it out and see what happens.

I wish you luck my friend,

Carl

One problem I have is because when I was in that situation I was alert all the time and day just blended into night with the russian roulette crap going on like you say and it never seemed to end until I was completely burned out. Silly things that people take forgranted, like having a nice bath and laying in bed and going to sleep are just impossible. I don't drink in the day, but late at night 12/1ish I then drink until I'm at the point where I can fall into bed and crash. I manage to sleep well doing this and usually wake up about 4am with some weird nightmare, then I lay there for about 2 minutes of peace before the panic begins. I think those couple of late hours with drink and those 2 minutes waking are my peaceful slots in my life. BUT, like you say I also feel like crap every morning. Saying that, in November I had to have an op. Ironically the op was due to one of my injuries from back then which made me pretty angry, anyway, after the op for 3 days I slept like I used to,peacefully, it was bloody excellent! Must have been something from the anasthetic?

I'd never heard of body memory, but I'm trying to get back to the UK with my husband for therapy as there is none here, well not alot to speak of. Makes sense though.
Same with me, my kids and husband keep me going. I'm lucky to have wonderful husband, I wouldn't survive long without him. I can't even go out as I shake and people stare at me, embarassing. No, I don't mix, not because my friends don;t want to see me, I just don;t see them. To be honest just visiting someone and the time and energy I'm so stressed that I am knackered afterwards if that makes sense. What I do is phone my friends and they have no idea how bad things are. I used to be someone they admired and I keep telling myself, when I'm over this i will go see them, so it will probably never happen or maybe it will? I dunno.

I wondered, did you develop the PTSD after what happened? With me, when I was in the situation I thought I was surviving, then as soon as I was free I felt great, felt like I'd got out (hard to explain) I felt happy that I was alive, that i had my life back. I even applied for a good job and attended interviews, was really positive and felt like I could take the world on. My interview flumped when they asked each person to stand up individually and say what they had done in the last 3 months, it was at that point I lied going bright red, saying I'd been busy painting my house. It was also at that point I realised there was no way I could tell strangers what had happened cause I;d sound like a total freak.

One day some months/weeks? later I suddenly woke up covered in acne? I was 29 and never had acne before? went to the doc, had bloods done but all was fine. Couple of days later some TV programme was on and I can't explain it, I just suddenly felt awful. I got up to go upstairs to lay on the bed and could hardly stand. After that day I think I was in bed for about 3 weeks and sweated so much that hubby had to bring towels to bed and flip the covers over, I never felt so ill in my life, I was just terrified which was the worst thing. So silly, because I was OUT of the situation. I kept thinking it would go away in a few days, but days went to weeks and so on, now I had it for 10 years and I'm nearly 40. I don;t know where the last 10 years went cause they have been taken up by memories, you know... Like you say remembering every kick, punch and where and how and then I look in the mirror and see scars and get angry.

Did I ever think of revenge? well I guess we all wonder how people can do such things. I know that the person responsible for what happened to me couldn't cope with what I lived through, which ultimately makes them weaker than me anyway. of course we all hope that evil people get what they deserve, but as a person myself as much as I hate what has been done, I have enough problems dealing with the ptsd. It's not in my character to be honest. Saying that, if i had the chance to be put in a boxing ring on fair equal ground with no weapons and the other person agreed, then yes, I'd certainly be up for it! I also know who would win the fight.

You are the first person apart from my husband who I have ever told this too. Feel a bit embarassed now, anyway, your right, take each day as it comes and try to be positive, I guess thats how I survived for 10 years with this crap ;O)

I wish you the best and thanks for writing

I shall now go and drink my beer before flopping into bed LOL

LJ

Hello to everyone! I have had ptsd for the past 7 years. I have never been in the armed forces, and therefore find it difficult to find a group where I am not vicariously traumatised by horrible stories of war.
I was a social worker involved in child protection. I have been all the way through the system including taking my employers to court, and received payout which has lasted me two years. I cannot return to working with the public again, and am now 57 years old. Goodness knows where my future is going.
I am still in therapy, and live a very withdrawn life with an addiction to marijuana.
I suppose it all looks quite gloomy, but I have learned heaps about myself and I cling to some measure of hope that I will be fully functioning again and able to serve the community in some way, instead of watching tv all day.
I am still beset by symptoms which range from heart palpitations to peeing the bed...
Fortunately I'm single haha.
To the train driver: Please make sure that you have union representation, and don't let them put you back in the front line again, it will only re-traumatise you. Get good representation from the union, and make them find you another job within the underground at the same rate of pay. It's not your fault you were injured by another person's actions. They have a duty of care to make sure that you are not penalised by your illness.
I am glad I have found a site where (sadly) others have had the experiences of ptsd.
I cannot understand how others manage their partners/children during this nightmare. I think you all deserve a medal.

We all had different experiences but are all so alike.
Our mistrust ,our desire to not communicate with outsiders, our pain.
Or sleepness nights,our bomb going off in certain situations.

Im a fighter,I fight back, I dont know if its a good or bad thing but for me I wont ever stop kicking back. I watch those that did this to me and although I have days where I couldnt tell you my name there are days I outwit them.

I will never stop until I get justice.

On a non controversial level is anyone here a Mason ? Or know anything about them please ?
Ive been told that part of what was done to me happened because people knew the right people but surely the Masons are supposed to do good ?

Thats part of my trauma you see.
How can people smile amd pretend to be normal good people when doing harm to others. Its a bit like aversion therapy. If I can meet them then I will know that either they are ok or rotten.

i to have complex ptsd it started apparantly as a child through yrs ofabuse from the care home to yrs of abuse from my partners .then came the deaths one after another from y brother to my childs father to my grandson.and then theres the serial rapist name of christopher downs i hated that man with a vengence when they caught him on crimewatch with my help i thought great MY TIME but it wasent to be the bastard killed himself suicide pact with his wife then came the guilt and it aint stopped yet ,when i go to councilling and she says will get the old you back i nowmthink who is the old me i dont know anymore im to much of a coward to take the easy way out and i dont think i could put my kids through it YES i have 6 kids so where do i go now .

Well, I am at the end of my very long thread....dangling, sure.

I cannot take any more.....my body is a mess with scars and self harm methods, draconian too.

I told my rock, lover, confident and best friend, the wife tonight I am empty. She switched the tv over to eastenders.

I cannot take any more, no care, support or understanding.

Good bye....

Hey pal,

I'm hoping so much that you're still there and will read this. I care about you. I have ptsd and I know how lonely and isolated you feel. I think it's sometimes worse if you have a partner than not, because it's so hard when you expect them to understand and they don't, it hurts you even more and makes you feel even more lonely. I struggle a lot too. Maybe we can help each other?

Please don't give up. Talk to me. Send me a private message if you prefer. I promise I'll answer you and will always listen, whatever you want to say. Just say something. Anything you like.

Juli.

Still waiting and hoping to hear from you Carl.

Juli.