My story

Hello all.

I am new to this site and have very little experience of forums but here goes. I am a 36 year old woman and am suffering from complex pstd. It is mostly due to severe childhood trauma. I had many problems as a child including bed wetting till late teens and rocking back and forth as well as extreme guilt, depression and massive anxieties. I experienced horrendous bulllying in school at 15 which had a disastrous impact on me. I was suicidal with the rejection and lonelines but because I had emotional and developmental difficulties beforehand I had nothing to sustain me through this period and was engulfed and paralysed by the shame I felt. I stuck it out at the school but felt all joy was lost and passed my remaining years in school by rebelling in every way. Attention seeking acting out was the the only resource I had which included skipping school, stealing and refusing to participate in school in any productive way. At 17 I was overcome with a grief that terrified me and that at the time I could not connect to anything. I called the Samaritans and then begged my mother to take to me see someone. A lovely psychiatrist saw me for some months. He did some tests including personality tests which to him strongly indicated sexual abuse. I could not recall anything but he did try to ask me a lot about my childhood and my fears. He put me on Prozac but the initial effects were too terrifying so I discontinued it quickly. Unfortunately he left the practice and I had to see his replacement who I did not connect with and so discontinued going. I finished school but performed well short of my potential in my final exams and found them extraordinarily stressful. I wound up in some course that was miles from my choosing and felt rather ashamed of my how my adult life was starting. I did complete the two years regardless and met my first boyfriend while on the course and enjoyed some happiness but it was not long before some really terrifying symptoms began to surface. Panic attacks and depression alternated and again I was brought to another psychiatrist who seemed harsh and cold. I think I was prescribed Prothiaden for a bit. The relationship ended which I struggled to cope with. I did get onto a course which I was delighted about but while on it went through a period of wild and promiscuous behaviour and perhaps experienced some highs at this point. I put in some effort in my studies but was distracted and was more interested in men and parties. I suffered a massive crash after the course ended which lasted for almost a year. I think I went into a state of numbness and depression that continued for years. I travelled abroad and came home after getting into dire straits and began working. My depression stayed. I was quite promiscuous at times which was encouraged by binge drinking. At other times I was so down I would not leave the house and just spent time crying and wondering what was wrong with me. I kept journals to try to track or make sense of the pain and confusion but it just continued. Years later I was hospitalised for a couple of months for severe depression.While in the hospital I was tried on heavy medication that I did not respond to. I was eventually given eigth sessions of ECT which did nothing except wipe my short-term memory and make me want to leave the place. I did. The time after wards was the worst. I felt worse than before but now felt that everything had been done so I was alone in a bleak bleak state. My psychiatrist eventually prescribed Parstellin which enabled me to function somewhat better and I stayed on this for 12 years. I guess I did make some slight improvements and managed to hold down a job for ten years. I gave up drink after a relationship ended as I noticed the old patterns with men resuming and I successfully broke that pattern by staying dry for two years. I am not sure how exactly or why but I seemed to start to dis-improve a few years ago. As in I started to experience frightening physical like symptoms that I could not understand. Huge electrical surges through my body and a sense of being chased. Massive waves of adrenalin would flood my system for no reason. This would last for days and would leave me utterly depleted and in despair. It was not accompanied by a high in any pleasant way more just excess adrelanin and a horrible feeling of uncontrollable and terrifying excitement. Mood swings were prevalent but the highs were never pleasant as stated. I became aware that I was grinding my teeth terribly at night and also during the day which left my face sore. Anxiety attacks became the dominant complaint and intimate relationships caused me more grief than happiness. I sensed last November that I seemed to be making some headway. Feelings began to emerge that I had not felt ever before it seemed. Something seemed to be shifting and I could feel a sense of my mind and body becoming more unified. I felt very hopeful and an increased spirituality took hold of me. However at the same time I experienced massive stress in my job. I was bullied by my managers and began to feel like a hunted dog each day. I was crying at work or when I got home and the sleeplisness kicked in. I stayed too long and felt I endured more stress than I could handle. On the night before I quit I felt such horrible and terrrifying things happening inside my skull that were new and that I knew were really really bad. I quit the next morning and experienced initial relief. Within 6 weeks I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital as the terror I was experiencing was too much. It was dreadful there so I left after 5 days and my sister took me in. It continued the 3am waking. The frying sensation in the brain. The terrors. The agonising jaw clenching. Also extreme nervousness. Sensitivity to noise. Fear of darkness. Massive irritability. Dissociation. These alternate with periods of numbed ease but the cycle continues and it seems to be increasing in frequency and intensity. I spend so much time on the internet looking for hope somewhere. I take Xanax when it becomes unbearable. I have thoughts of leaving this world but I know I deserve to feel better. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hi searching

Welcome to the forum. I have just read your story, how brave of you to come on here & share it. You've made the right decision to come here as you will find plenty of support & advice to get you through your painful experiences.

Are you having therapy & medication treatment other than Xanax? Although my story is not as complex as yours my symptoms were much the same when I was diagnosed in 2008. By the time I saw my psychologist in February this year I was a complete mess, couldn't work, panic attacks every time I went out, I'd virtually cut myself off from everyone & my self esteem was so low I'd lost all respect for myself.

My first step to recovery was changing my GP, luckily I found a brilliant one & I can't thank her enough for her help & support, never once has she ever made me feel like I should just get a grip on myself as my other one did. Making the decision to work with my psych was the best advice she has given me, at first it was very hard, for her too, as my fear of having to share my past with her made me uncooperative. Since diagnosis I'd refused to take regular meds believing that it would block out how I was feeling. However, after 6wks of therapy she said she could no longer work with me if I wasn't at least prepared to try meds. That really frightened me, I knew I just couldn't repeat the previous 6wks with a new therapist so still under protest I took her advice. Six months later I feel so much better, my anxiety is reduced & I can fully engage with therapy.Working with my psychologist has given me the opportunity to talk about things I'd never said to anyone which has boosted my self esteem immensely. It's not been easy but with the deep breathing & self-talk strategies she has taught me together with as much relaxation as I can fit in she has made me see that the fear I'm carrying around with me is irrational, although understandable & that I'm living the life my abuser wants for me.

Recovery from PTSD comes in very, very small steps, takes a tremendous amount of hard work, plenty of support & a whole load of determination to get yourself through therapy, but gradually the more you hold onto the small steps they become much bigger ones until you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm now back at work & most of the time my symptoms are manageable with all the techniques I have been taught.

You might find it useful to read some of the recommend books on the site, I found 'Waking the Tiger' such a help in understanding how my trauma affected me physically.

I hope that gives you some hope for the future. Hang on in there, keep strong & take as much advice from here as you can, it really does help to be able to talk to people who fully understand what you're going through.

Take good care of yourself. I'm here if you want to talk again.

Rosie.