New guy's story- please read and offer info

Hello folks, im Shaun. I joined this site only about 3 days ago and think its a wonderful little site. On one hand its (sadly) relieving to see that im not the only one who is suffering from this terrible affliction, but on the other hand its such a shame to see that so many others do.

I have been talking to a very caring and considerate person since i joined (she knows who she is) and i am very keen to hear from anyone on the site who would like to offer any words, advice or just say hello. Sharing thoughts and experiences help me realise i am not alone in this horrible, confusing, mind numbing battle back to normality (if it still exists). I have read thru some of the horrific experiences that people on this site have had to endure, and it makes me wonder if i 'merit' saying ''i suffer also.'' The fact that these people are still fighting this illness is a sign of who they really are and what they are really made of... i hope i can be as tough as them.

This 'cocoon' that we are encased in is not who we really are. It surely cant be. There must have been a time (no matter what age we were) that we experienced a moment of happiness in our lives. What i mean is, or maybe i should say i hope, that if we as human beings have ever experienced a single feeling of joy or contentment, then isnt it possible that this feeling is still buried away somewhere deep within us? For example, i used to wake up feeling energetic, focused and above all... human! Oh how i miss being me, id give anything to be free of this mental anguish. Now i feel so tired all the time due to chronic worry and a frightening feeling of detachment that consumes me now.
I constantly fear i will suddenly stop breathing.
I sometimes think im suffering from an unknown, incurable brain disease.
I question if i have schizoprenia, alzheimers, bipolar, unipolar, cancer, etc.
Then i start to wonder ''am i being punished'', ''am i going insane'', ''am i going to die'', ''is this a test''.
I cant drive, i cant go over bridges, i will never get on a plane, i wont travel anywhere, i cant even walk down the street sometimes because i have this strange feeling that when i cross the road and get to the middle, i will suddenly be lifted up into the sky with nothing or no one to hold on to!
I suffer from detachment also and this is the strangest, disabling, most disheartening thing ive ever known. I think sometimes during these periods ''am i here right now'', ''am i actually real'', ''am i a human being''.
I wake up sometimes gasping for breath and during a period of detachment this can be extremely frightening.
I also wake up not knowing who i am- this usually lasts 4-5 seconds.

To be in a mindset where i feel calm and confident, strong and relaxed, is my ultimate dream. I dont wish for money, fame or stature. When ive blown out my birthday candles over the past few years, ive wished that this constant feeling of dread, unhappiness and impending doom would magically disappear. To those people out there who wake each morning in relative peace and dont know the meaning of the word torment- cherish what you have, because in the blink of an eye you could be on your way into our world.

As i mentioned, after reading some of the terrible experiences that people on this site have had to go thru, i questioned if i am actually suffering from ptsd. ''Some people went thru months and years of torment, how can i even claim to be suffering when mines lasted one second'' i said to myself. Does my experience ''meet the criteria'' for me to say ''i too suffer from this affliction''. These are just a few things running thru my mind so to you people out there who have suffered a tremendous amount, i hope my following experience doesnt make you think that i shouldnt complain.

On Saturday 28th September 2002, around 5pm, i was stabbed in the chest. I was 22 at the time, sober, and got caught up in a feud with rivals of my friends. I was big, strong and looked upon as someone who was never scared, where in fact confrontation was something that i naturally feared and would prefer to avoid. On the day in question, i felt compelled to show how unafraid i was. I stood in front of my friends and told the person with the knife in no uncertain terms to go away. As i stood wondering why i was in this position he slowly walked toward me and i still remember thinking 'he's getting too close', but for some reason i did not move, it was as if i couldnt show any fear. He moved closer and closer until i knew that i was in range of him, but still i didnt move (why?) In fact he got so close that instead of me moving, i actually turned my head and looked away as if by some chance this situation wasnt real, like i knew i was in danger but this surely wont happen (why didnt i take myself out of harms way?) I knew i was in danger so why didnt i remove myself from this dangerous situation? Why did i not show any fear? Any emotion? Or attempt to even put my arms up to protect myself??? As these thoughts were running thru my mind this person jumped forward and plunged the knife into my chest. Then ran. People were running and screaming and it was pandemonium. But i calmly about turned and walked away. Why didnt i panic? Why didnt i scream or shout at this person?
As i walked away (angry at myself) i undone my black shirt and looked down to my chest where there was a hole in it. To give you an idea of the size of the wound, imagine taking your thumb and pushing it into our chest and pulling it back out. 25 mins later an ambulance came and i was taken to hospital where a surgeon treated me as i sat in a stretcher. I felt safer, i hadnt collapsed, felt dizzy or even felt sick at the sight of blood coming from me. I asked the surgeon if i was going to die, fully expecting him to say ''of course not, your thru the worst of it'' but he replied ''i hope not''. Thats when a feeling of dread and fear came over me that i had never felt before. I realised then i was human and actually could cease to exist anymore. It was the single most frightening, traumatic moment of my life. And i can also remember the surgeon telling me then of something called post traumatic stress disorder and how it can make people stay indoors, stop them from doing normal things, and generally just feeling fear, anxiety and feelings of dread. I thought to myself 'thanks doc but that wont happen to me'... how wrong i was.

If anyone out there can relate to anything ive said id really like to hear from you. I hope you all remain strong thru this time and if i can ever help support you please drop me a line, take care, Shaun.

Hello Shaun,

I can relate to what you went through!

However, I managed to get away.

What strikes me about your experience is that at the time when the "to be? or person who had just killed someone? confronted me I too felt this strange feeling whereby I expected to be attacked and that I excepted it! There was this numb confident feeling of not going to feel any pain no matter what lay ahead. However ,my other part of my brain told me to get away now! (fight or flight). Fortunately for me as would transpire-I got away! However , sadly another innocent person was killed.

I am no doctor but experiencing for myself PTSD however I think your symptoms most deffinately match the criteria.

During the last few months I have been on a journey but I am now each day getting better and "MY BRAIN" is returning to me being me-my former self!

I am constantly on the look out for threats of danger but as each day passes I get better.

I am not naieve to think I will get to 100% however I do know that each week gets better for me.

Hi Peter,

Thank you for your reply, i hope you are getting thru this quickly. Did you seek any help?

Your experience sounds very traumatic, for a human being to know they were so close to being killed must have a real negative effect on the brain. I am always seeking explanations and info regarding support and help getting thru this. Do you know if people from the site ever get in touch to talk and share experiences?

Can i ask why it is you think you are getting better? Are you taking any medicine or getting any support that makes the difference? Or do you think this is just a natural process in that the brain needs time to heal?

Hi Freedom,

I most certainly did realise days / weeks after the event that my brain was not right. I suffered so many things and somehow realised I had developed short term memory loss but then remembered significant things from 10 -25 years previous!

From my postings on this forum you will see ( how just chatting in here I opened up) then I think with time being a healer also (?) I then managed to lose that dreadful headache, I stopped the crying, the survival guilt has past (because in prospective- it was not my fault someone was killed either prior or aft of my run in with the killer) it's that logical thought and many others since, that came back to me.

I do remain on alert and admit that I now have developed a new phobia (I am slowly but surely dealing with my previous phobias) but this new one which has developed recently is linked to that dreadful day. I now link these phobias to my past experiences.

I did go to my doctors and she took all the notes and told me (back then I had accute ptsd. However I am seeing her again next week (many weeks past since my last visit to her), she did tell me there is a 6 month delay in specialist help.

Everybody I imagine has different variations of PTSD, As stated in my previous entries, I think I must have suffered it most of my life because I discovered recently that when I witness something un-normal (very shocking ) my brain stores the events away! I don't know why it does that but think it maybe to protect me, as when I have a panic attack in public places, I have trouble walking
and had I have panicked that fateful day, I would not have taken "flight mode".

Under no circumstances would I claim im 100% recovered because from no-where I get these triggers. As I am feeling, this last week or so, I feel I can cope with my everyday life. If I am at 90% better, then I will happily cope with that for the rest of my life.

I just read over my story and noticed that i forgot to mention when i was stabbed, the blade hit my sternum bone. This is what saved my life. To know that i was maybe 1 centimetre from not being here anymore has probably been the main cause of my condition.

Hi Freedom,

Like me you see how very close you were. We as human beings take life for granted and each expect to live for ever, then from one traumatic event we each realise how we could suddenly not be alive! When I attended the murder victims funeral I could not help but feel that it could have been (even should have been-survival guilt) my very own funeral.

Of course this lead me to think of "what if", but in reflection, I have moved on from the "what if'" which wasn't easy-I even questioned if I was actually really alive on several occasions. That is strange thoughts admittedly, but my brain was very confused.

Very recently, a friend of mine told me how she was minding her own business one day and went into her local bank to pay in some money. Whilst waiting to be served, a man grabbed her from behind and put a gun to her head and told the bank cashiers to hand over their money within 10 seconds (he was counting to ten) or my friend gets shot in the head! They handed over the money and the robber wearing a balaclava got away.He was never found. Subsequently she now visits prisons and talks to convicts about how their actions affect their victims after the events. She also said that half the convicts admit to feeling concerned for their victims but the other half have no compassion what so ever. She also reminded me that what she faced that day was a "very unusual event" and the probability of another similar incident for her was probably NIL! And in a way, I think that rule of thought should apply to many of us (with the exception of the emergency services and army personel), so by reminding myself of that, it gets easier for me all the time.

For you, you will always see your reminder (trigger) as you have a scar. Me I have yet to attend a court as a witness so there is no closure for me yet. In fact when my incident is concluded I am sure there will be things said that will certainly be sending shivers down my spine!

Looking back on your first message, you state how you awaken at night gasping for air. Does this still happen?

There has been, during the last 2 weeks a film released on DVD which I really enjoyed called "Passengers" if you are able to, get a copy, and it covers many aspects of PTSD and gets your brain thinking. Whilst some people do not understand the film, I think anyone suffering PTSD will understand it and will relate to it. I am convinced that who ever wrote it has first hand experience!

Hi Peter,

I dont wake gasping for breath that often thank god, it might happen once every 6 weeks for example. Im not completely sure why this happens but i think it might have something to do with a side effect of ptsd, depression etc which is when your body becomes so relaxed it jumps for some reason. I would need to read more about it but its to do with the brain going thru certain stages of consciousness im led to believe. But sometimes this happens to me when im going thru a period of detachment, which already makes my body feel as though its on 'auto pilot', and i will wake suddenly breathing heavy and gasping for air meanwhile not really knowing who i am! Its terrifying. Do you suffer from something similar?

I cant remember my attacker's face, can you?

Your experience sounds quite recent. Can you talk about what happened?

The woman you mentioned must have went thru an unbelievable amount of fear and confusion that day. This is what i think triggers something in the brain. I believe the processing of such instant fear and the realisation that ''i actually could die here'' is like a short circuit in the brain causing it to 'malfunction'. In this day and age, we dont have to kill or fight for food, we dont fight for shelter, we have heating systems to keep us warm in our homes, we have cars, microwaves, sky TV, clothes, fresh water on tap etc etc. Our brains today arent built to cope with the horrors of barbaric violence because we evolved into a species that no longer needs to fight to survive. So when violence or trauma strikes, it really does shock us on a deeper level because its simply not part of our daily lives, whereas years and years ago it was normal. Thats what i think anyway!

Im def going to check out that film, thank you for telling me, hope to hear from you soon

What an incredible way you described your terrible experience. I actually felt the hairs on the back of my neck go up and went all cold. My husband was stabbed, and like you, it wasn't his sternum that saved him, but his mobile phone that took the force of the blow, oddly enough it was in a really strange jacket pocket, that he had never before put it in. I guess his number was maybe not up that day.

Looking through all the links and posts on this site has been an incredible insight for me. The one thing that really strikes me, is that no matter what terrible horrible things have happened to anyone, it isn't one jot as bad as the way you are treating yourselves. Nobody here is cutting themselves any slack! You didn't ask to get stabbed, raped, or beaten up or any of the diverse and dreadful things that man invents to rain down on each other. Yet you are all beating yourselves up. Whilst being sympathetic and supportive to fellow sufferers yet you can't be nice to yourselves. If this were your friend who had this happen to her, you would be there with tea and sympathy for as long as it took, and yet for yourself, it seems to bring out the self loathing and guilts. It doesn't make any sense at all, and I have been reading as much about it as possible. I want to understand. My husband is experiencing this, and I need to help. Like you Shaun, I feel that he has has it for a very long time - for the last 30 years he's dealt with medical evacuations, and has had lots of people die on him over the years - but he's always processed them and moved on, we think. But recently it was his stabbing, followed by a war, and an air accident and also when our little boy fell in the river a few years ago, my husband got him out and I had gone shopping, but he then told me about it and has had flashbacks and nightmares about it ever since and wakes up in panics and can see him in the river all blue. It's just like he's gone into sensory overload, and then he gets very withdrawn and goes onto the autopilot mode and I can't reach him.

My husband and I have both seemed to live lives full of some sort of conflict or another. Since all these problems for him have begun, I've looked back on my own life and realised, I was raped at 19 by a 'friend', beaten unconsious by a complete stanger and robbed at 3 p.m. in a London street, teargassed on a couple of occassions in Palestine when I was shot at too, then following a three year live in relationship found out on the same day that my 'partner' had a wife and child in Australia, I was pregnant, and my father was dead. I guarantee I didn't function too well after that. Then one night I woke up in my flat to find a man standing overme and for the want of a better word w...king over my face. That just about put the tin lid on it. However, it didn't. I talked about these events, I sufferred horribly, but I got over them. On a couple of occassions I went through bouts of very heavy drinking, and panic attacks and even worse, after the attack in the street, any thing that startled me made me wet myself - which wasn't that great as it could be some poor sod walking his dog went it barked and I went into instant pee mode! I was very glad when that stopped. But I haven't been left with a problem and I thank god that I have't got ptsd, individualy. But I do have it anyway, I was in a very close and loving relationship that I am fighting to get back tooth and nail, so 'we' have ptsd, and are going to the bloody best to overcome it.

The majority of people on here seem to have internalised these events, like they were all 'your' fault, when nothing could be further from the bloody truth. I want to grab you all as a ruddy group and hug it better.

This website has been an utter salvation for my family. My husband reads all the posts and it's made him feel so much better. I am not his mouthpiece, and he tells me he has joined, and is even threatening to send in a post! This was something completely unthinkable few weeks back. He was getting really bad last week and bits of his life seemed to be going into meltdown. Reading about other's similar experiences has made him feel far less isolated and strange. Thank you. He's coming home next week, and I feel scared that things could be as bad as they were, but another part of me can't wait to get him home, as now we are talking about this problem so we must be able to make it better.

Peter I am definately going to search out this film. I have also bought a couple of excellent looking books which I shall put on the self help bit, and I am going to download this sites book from the website too.

Shaun. Be nicer to yourself. You sound like such a nice man. It's enough that the world has damaged you, you don't need to do it to yourself too, you should be damned well proud of yourself. Thank you so much for sharing your harrowing experience. An enormous amount of people will benefit from hearing it and how you coped.
Millie

Hello Millie

Firstly, the film passengers is based on an engine fire that leads to an aircraft crash! To me the film is fantastic but maybe your husband should not see it? PTSD is the main storyline!

Millie I found that just like you I had memories come back from the past I had forgotten! Seems our brains store so many things.

Talking and talking and talking might be just what we all need to do. Then we can all get things into perspective.

As long as I don't have that bloody headache (I imagine feeling like being hit with a mallet-and blood swishing around my brain) back again, I can move forward. In fact Julie from this site, said we all seem to step forward 2 paces but go back 1 pace. At the moment I feel I am moving forward 4 paces and going back 1 pace!

Take care you two

I spent at least an hour responding to Shaun's questions but the whole response froze my computer! I lost everything! Grrrrrr

Shaun, I'm so glad the 'dance' is getting better, and it's four steps forward and one back. It's something to aim for, maybe six or seven without a setback? I'm with you on the film, might not be the best for him. I will watch it under cover, and see if it makes me see the light. Peter, I cannot but agree with you. The content of this website is fantastic, but I don't know what it is that I'm doing, but I just get a decent sentence sorted, put my thoughts down and they all disappear, and I say considerably more than Grrrh! I just looked up at my earlier post on here and am having fits at my spelling and grammar! But if I don't get it down the machine eats it.
Millie

Again my reply was lost on here! I wonder if its a fault with this site?

Anyhow 3rd attempt- Yes Shaun I did see the murderers face and in addition the victims face. I see them both everyday and am ok with that now.

With regards to your breathing problem it may possibly be the cause of a nightmare however I suffered years with stopping breathing during my sleap and discovered via a consultant-I am one of 20% of the population that is mouth breathers as opposed to nose breathers (strange but true as I thought everyone breathed through their mouths) because of sleaping at night the muscles collapse at the throat area resulting in no breaths being taken. I did have a nose operation which makes it easier to breath through my nose but trying to retrain my breathing habit is not easy at all. I have never awoken not knowing who I am but after this incident I was convinced I was going crazy and that scared me more cause I was convinced I would never get better again.

I can not really talk too much on the incident ,however what I faced that morning was the most un-normal, most frightening event ever. Only through having my wits did I manage to walk away but ready to run and telling myself not to panic, stay calm.

I have mentioned it before in my other posts on here but there have been about seven events in my past that I forgot and yet after this recent one they all came back to me. I remembered the attempted rape against me and thinking about it I would never have believed men rape men, though I was only 17 years old at the time. Then there are the road accidents and the last one that I remembered was based on me babysitting for a women I knew. I was 14 years old and I opened the front door to a man who incredibly was a splitting image though 1980's version of this years event.As the man ran in the door a police car drove speadily past the house. I was instructed to switch off the lights and then this person tried to reasure me that I was safe and not to panic! He was a friend of the lady I was babysiting for and said to call her and she will know him. This I did and she said what ever I do, do not leave the house until she comes back. I dont even know if I had the oportuinity to leave, but I had a 11 year old to care for.

Now this is the incredable thing, during this last incident I told the police during several statements that the person who may have been the killer was The xxxxxxxxxx Man. That is a very childish name to keep quoting to the police. In fact I recall the police looking at me strangely and questioning my title for this person. Took me many weeks to realise it was childish and left me searching the answer and eventually I found it from the baby-siting incident.

I swear that had I not have become aware of the murder, or the murder would have not taken place, then I would have forgotten forever the last incident and all the others that re-surfaced. All admittedly strange I know, but true.

Hi millie, i just spent about an hour replying to you and lost my signal and lost everything i written ! I will reply tomorrow and hope it doesnt get lost again !! Speak soon

Hi millie i hope you get this as i wasnt so lucky with the last post !

First of all, thank you for your kind words regarding my experience. I really do hope it can help people. Secondly, i hope you and your husband can take some peace from this site and know that there are millions of people around the world suffering from ptsd and related mental illnesses ie depression etc. You both are not alone.

Ptsd is an EXTREMELY misunderstood and confusing condition. It affects people on a level so deep, that unless someone has experienced it themselves, they just dont know what it is like. Its a condition that affects the very heart and soul of a person. I think of it having extinguished my 'inner flame' which gave me drive, ambition and above all- sanity. Some people can go thru terrible traumatic events and somehow the brain processes it and deals with it (much like you and your experiences) But the majority arent so lucky. You seem quite frustrated and angry that because you came thru your ordeals, you dont seem to know why anyone else can. This is where you have to realise ptsd is not your average mental illness/condition. It affects us all differently in so many ways. We are all human and have different genetics, characteristics, instincts etc along with different childhoods, parents and so on. Twins could suffer an identical event, yet due to being different human beings, one develops agoraphobia and the other develops panic atacks. There is no rule book on how to recover from ptsd and some people cant accept this. This affliction is deeply embedded in our minds. It attacks our instincts and leaves us drained. It is a primitive brain response with just one problem, we're not primitive anymore.

There is not enough support and help out there for people to come thru this. We should all be doing our best to break the stigma of ptsd and mental illness. I think your husband has came thru so so much personal stress and trauma that he deserves a medal. Im assuming he's involved in possibly the army as a medical aid or something of that nature. He sounds like a very good man who is stronger than he thinks. What we all have to remember is this is a primitive reaction to the sudden realisation of possibly being killed and not existing anymore. We cant begin to imagine just how deeply this affects us on a subconscious level!

I dont think we as sufferers are being hard on ourselves. I think being hard on yourself is like, for example, if you played a game of football and played rotten and the team got beat. You blame yourself while there are 10 other players who were rotten too! Its not about cutting ourselves some slack because our perception of hope within ourselves is low anyway, so there's no slack leftover! What im saying is this is a profoundly complex condition and no matter what compliments or motivational words we hear, we are responding on a primitive, subconscious level, and this means the partner or carer who is on the receiving end will simply not understand why we appear emotionless. This is a process and it will take time because what is damaged here is the most evolved thing ever- the brain.

Like i say i dont think im being hard on myself, but i am angry at myself. There is a subtle difference. On the day i was stabbed i could have been strong and not put myself in that position. But due to years of craving respect from my peers i somehow became a different person over time. I wanted to feel good, feel liked, feel adored and feel respected because growing up i never had any confidence. And what better way to have people think you are brave? Stand up to a man with a knife. What a load of sh*t. I cant believe i almost lost the most precious gift of all- my life, due to insecurities and immaturity. I had always stood up for right over wrong, id give old women a hand with thier shopping, id find purses with money and hand them into the police, id give money to homeless people. I put myself in that position for the wrong reasons and for that i am angry. Even the 'friends' i was trying to protect wouldnt help me when the police were making enquiries days later. they said they 'werent there'... nice eh? I wanted to feel like a man when i was a boy. But now i feel like a man for one reason, im honest with myself.

I have accepted what i suffer from, my next step is to understand it, then finally defeat it. Like any good general would tell you... know your enemy. Knowledge is power.