Why I have PTSD

You must forgive the ranting of a mad woman, her mind meandering amongst the small hours of a long and tedious night where sleep evaded her once again.

So…. PTSD and its primary causes? I believe it is when we are forced to face our own mortality and to witness the fragility of human life. This is the shock.

Mortality on a personal level may not be as simple as the demise of the flesh, but also the destruction of the soul, beliefs, faith and hope. This is the slow and painful erosion of everything that gives you a reason for being. It comes in many forms such as mental cruelty, violence and violation, experienced over a long period of time.

I have questioned why I am here in this quagmire of my mental illness now, at this moment in time. I have endured much and survived the endeavours of many in my life-time, so what has changed? There is one simple answer. Just one word – ENOUGH. The straw that broke the camels back.

The history:

Childhood – raised by an extremely dogmatic Jehovah’s Witness mother (thank heavens for one rock of stability in a father who did not believe in such a faith). Bullied by my peers because of my mother’s beliefs.

Six years old – a victim of sexual assault by a paedophile.

Eleven years old – further bullying and physical assault from my peers having attained sufficient academic acumen to attend grammar school, rather than the local comprehensive.

Early teens – witnessing the death of a friend, knocked from her bicycle and crushed by a double-decker bus.

Mid teens – nearly drowned in a canoeing accident, riding the floods on New Years Day. Having an out of body experience where I stood dripping wet in front of my parents as they sat in the living room, trying to tell them how sorry I was for leaving them, but they could not see or hear me.

Late teens – rape.

Late teens – bad car accident.

Late teens – unexpectedly coming face to face with the paedophile I had not seen for thirteen years, unaware that he had returned to his home town after his jail sentence. Shaking and vomiting in the ladies toilet for over an hour, unable to find the courage to walk back through the bar and simply go home, until a friend came and told me he had left.

Early twenties – a friend lost at the hands of a murderer in her own bed.

Early twenties – being caught up in extremely gross and sickening violence, when a fight broke out amongst young adult males at an ice skating rink, which involved the use of kicking and stamping with skating boots.

Mid twenties through to late thirties – domestic violence and mental cruelty.

Early thirties – car on fire due to an idiot who (as far as I can recall) messed with the carbaretta causing it to eventually split, leaking fuel, which subsequently ignited. Struggling to remove my toddler from the baby seat and unable to operate the harness release mechanism in my panic. I still panic and suffer flash-backs if I can smell petrol in a vehicle.

Mid thirties - alone in an isolation ward, my body racked with pain and flushed with septicaemia, unable to fight and fearful for my five year old child having to survive without me.

Forties – bullying at work.

Forties – mental cruelty, domestic violence and attempted murder.


Some things have been excluded, as they are still too painful. So, have I had enough? Yes, I think so. Will I continue to survive? Yes, I hope so. Can I endure much more of the same? No, I do not think so.

I have no belief system to use as a crutch. I do not believe in God. There is no higher power to whom I can turn. My faith is in my friends. My strength is in being touched on a part of me other than my body and the ability to touch others in a similar way. My hope is for peace within myself, for serenity and for the faith and strength to continue, so that I may help others find their sunny days amongst the dark and cloudy ones.

KimmySue
April 2009

Thanks for posting your story. I was a little reluctant at first to read it in case there were triggers. But nobody had replied so I felt I should. There is a great deal there in terms of hardship and difficulties. I hope you are still moving forward with your coping and development! Good luck to you.